Not Broken Just Bent
by Angst Is My Middle Name
Summary: Dean reflects on his feelings for Cas and tries to determine just how he feels for him. Spoilers for the Season 8 finale (8x23, 'Sacrifice'). More info inside. Rated for some language.


_**Warning: I started this little guy before the finale aired, but finished the second half just after, so there are mad spoilers for ep 8x23 'Sacrifice'. If you do not want spoilers for the season 8 finale, then do not read. You have been warned.**_

_**A/N: This is loosely based off of the song 'Just Give Me a Reason' by Pink and the lead singer of F.U.N. Every time I hear it Destiel is the only thing on my mind. This is light Destiel, no kissing or anything, and it could be defined as pre-slash.**_

* * *

Dean Winchester did not remember being rescued from Hell, _per se. _Certainly he recalled having to claw and climb his way out of a simple wooden coffin and hiking back to Bobby's house. After meeting the angel who saved him, Castiel, however, he began to dream of his rescue, but there was never anything specific. He could only really recall a searing pain in his left bicep and a figure bathed in bright white, sometimes with a voice that sounded like many voices rolled into one. Beyond that, there was nothing, and it bothered him a great deal. This Castiel was becoming someone that Dean like very much, and that was a problem, because Dean simply did not get close to people, not this easily.

As time passed, Dean began to realize that the feelings he had for Cas (for he quickly became Cas) were not what he expected: love. Not 'I-want-to-throw-you-on-the-bed-and-have-my-way-wi th-you' love, but something deeper, more soulful, like they were spiritually connected. (Cas called it a 'profound bond'.) To put it plainly, Dean just loved Cas.

But there was no way he could ever tell Cas this, of course. Dean Winchester was a broken man, broken inside, broken from a life of living on the road and hunting and from spending forty years in Hell and Sam dying and their father dying and demon deals and-… well, he could go on. Dean was just plain broken, and Cas had to know it. Sure, he pulled Dean from Hell and pieced him back together as best he could, but even he couldn't fix Dean entirely. No one could. That kind of broken couldn't be fixed.

He didn't take long to find out that Cas was a little broken, too. Heaven hadn't always been kind to Cas, especially after Purgatory. They'd gone digging in his head so much they mixed him all up, even making him attack Dean, nearly beating him to a pulp, and who knows what they did to Cas when he left after that.

Dean's anger may have been misplaced when Cas returned, appearing in the middle of the road in front of the Imapala. He was angry at Cas for leaving and for not knowing where he was and for making him worry, though he still pulled him into the car and took him back to their batcave and right into the bathroom.

"Dean… Dean, I'm-"

"Not right now. I gotta clean you up."

He ordered Cas to sit on the toilet and strip to his waist, revealing a nasty stab wound oozing blood and something silvery Dean guessed was Cas's Grace. He got to work quickly, daubing the wound with antiseptic and binding it.

"That is not necessary. I will heal without that."

"Well, it makes me feel better," Dean replied gruffly, "Now, come on. We've a room all set up for you."

"I don't require sleep."

"Yeah, and I don't give a crap. Resting ain't gonna hurt you any. Now come on."

Cas obediently followed Dean down the hall and did as Dean said, removing his shoes and belt and curling up under the sheets. Dean walked to the door and was ready to leave when Cas, in a barely audible voice, asked, "Dean… would you please stay for a bit?"

"Do you promise to rest?"

He nodded, so Dean, angry though he was, went and pulled over the desk chair to Cas's bedside. A memory of Cas offering to watch over him entered unbidden into his mind, and he tried to shake it out. Dean waited for Cas to fall asleep, and then he waited a bit more. A couple hours passed before he finally rose to his feet and went to leave. As soon as he put his hand on the doorknob, he heard Cas mutter softly in Enochian. He turned to look at him and saw a gentle smile on his face. It was then that his name passed Cas's lips like a contented sigh. Love and longing welled up inside Dean's heart and made his chest ache, but he quashed them quickly as possible. He could never have Cas. They were both too broken, had too many scars.

So he worked hard to push Cas away, trying to ignore his apologies and how hurt Cas looked by his actions, and he did his best to hide his own hurt when Cas left again. Still Dean was surprised when Cas briefly returned to their headquarters when he and Sam returned to stock up on items to capture Crowley. Sam beat a hasty retreat to his room, leaving Dean and Cas alone.

"Dean, please… I am truly sorry for I all I did that hurt you. I didn't intend-"

"Yeah, yeah I know. You're always sorry."

"I did it for you. To protect you."

"You always do."

Cas fell silent, and Dean's anger boiled over. He grabbed Cas and slammed him into the wall, growling, "You have _no idea_ what you need to apologize for, Cas. _No idea_ how goddamn pissed off I am at you. I was so damn_ happy _when you came back, and then you did nothing but lie to me. I trusted you, and you _lied_. As if that wasn't bad enough, once we found the freakin' tablet, you tried to beat me to death! Protect me, my ass."

That touched a nerve. Cas shoved Dean away, then reversed their positions.

"That was _not_ my fault! I told you Naomi was controlling me! I have _never_ wanted to hurt you, Dean! My whole purpose and existence has always been centered on keeping you safe!"

"Then why do you always leave?"

"Because you're safer if I'm not around," Cas answered more calmly, "I am a danger to you, Dean. A broken shell of an angel that everyone wants dead and out of the way, and they will kill anyone who stands in their way."

Dean snapped under Cas's calm, shouting, "I don't care! I don't care that you're broken or that they want you dead! They'll have to kill me to get to you because I'll never let them get you while I'm alive! Just-… just stop running after I've told you I need you, okay, you son of a bitch! I'm just… don't leave like everyone else does…"

He dropped his head, and Cas's hands slipped from his shoulders. A long time seemed to pass before Dean looked up at Cas again. His blue eyes were sad; it was all too common lately. Finally, Cas said quietly, "It appears that we are both… broken."

"Sure looks that way."

"I've noticed that humans sometimes embrace after an exchange such as this," Cas stated, "Would this be amenable to you, Dean?"

Dean let out a bark of laughter. Leave to Cas to accidentally break the tension. Cas cocked his head, confused.

"I don't understa-"

His words were cut short by Dean putting his arms around his neck and hugging him as tightly as possible, reveling in the feeling of arms wrapping around his waist. Dean buried his nose into the juncture of Cas's neck and shoulder, breathing in the peculiar scent of him: clean earth and fragrant smoke and seawater and mountain air and the sharp tang of ozone. It was comforting. He heard Cas sucking in deep breaths of his own.

"Dean?"

"Hmm?"

"I need you, too."

Dean grinned into the trenchcoat, tightening his arms. Everything was perfect… until it wasn't.

Then came Sammy's final trial and Crowley's capture and Cas leaving to save Metatron, and it all fell right to shit. Dean was holding Sam outside a broken-down church, watching angels fall from the sky en masse, and his first thought was for one called Castiel, the one who raised him from Hell, who saved him and Sam and Bobby so many times, who loved humanity so much. Could it be that Cas had fallen? Had Naomi (or Metatron) killed him? Had Cas suffered in his death or in his fall? So many questions whirled around Dean's head it made him dizzy. He clutched Sam tighter. They watched in abject horror as angels plummeted to Earth until Dean heard a noise in the woods. He reached for his pistol and leveled it at the sound.

"Dean?"

He dropped the gun, calling hoarsely, "Cas? Cas, is that you?"

"Dean!"

Cas hurried to them as Dean shouted, "Cas, you have to help! Sam's in trouble! He didn't complete the final trial, but he's gonna… I think he's dying. Please, you have-"

"I can't, Dean," Cas blurted, his voice cracking, "I'm… I've _fallen_. Metatron tore out my Grace and made every angel in Heaven fall. I can't… I can't do anything."

"You can. Help me get him into the car. I'm taking him home. Maybe there's something in the tablet Kevin can read. C'mon…"

The two of them hefted Sam into the backseat, and Dean made a 911 call so someone could come out and free Crowley (at Sam's insistence), though the police sounded pretty preoccupied with frantic calls about human meteorites. The drive back to their secret lair was quiet and tense, punctuated only by Sam's pained moans. Cas watched the road fly by, and Dean watch his two passengers. When they finally arrived home and Sam sleeping with Kevin trying to read more of the Demon Tablet, Dean sat in the study amid the blinking lights and whirring machines, his face in his hands. Cas sat beside him, fiddling with his tie and not looking up, unsure of what to say.

"Dean…" he said at last, "Dean, I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"I'm sorry I can't help you more."

" 's not your fault."

"It is though," Cas replied, getting to his feet and wringing his hands, "I shouldn't have believed Metatron. I should have known he was lying to me, that he had another agenda. I let him do this to the angels, Dean. I _helped_ him do it!"

"Cas, it's okay, calm down. You couldn't have-"

"But I should have! Now Hell is wide open, and the angels are powerless to do anything about it! _I_ am powerless, Dean! He tore out my Grace! I am useless to you!"

"No, no, you're not useless, Cas, You've never been useless, not to me," Dean explained calmly as Cas's chest heaved with emotion, "You've always done so much for me and Sam… mostly for me. You… you could never be useless to me, not as an angel and not as a human."

Emotions were clearly ruling the newly human Castiel. Tears poured from his blue eyes, his nose red and streaming, his breaths coming in wheezing hiccups. He choked, "But I can't do anything. I can't hunt. I can't heal anyone. I don't even know how to take care of myself."

"I don't care," Dean replied immediately, "I don't care about any of that. I'll teach you whatever you wanna know about being human, about hunting, about anything. Me and Sam'll teach you."

"What if Sam-? What if he doesn't-" Cas gasped, "Dean, I can't-! I can't do this-"

Dean pulled Cas into a tight embrace. Cas buried his face into the crook of Dean's neck and began sobbing hysterically. He had never seen anyone cry like this since Sam was very small, but his instincts clicked in. Dean did all he could to soothe Cas's weeping, rubbing his back and stroking his hair and murmuring, "Don't worry, Cas. Don't you worry. You can do this. I know you can. I know you. You're gonna be okay. I promise. It's all gonna be okay."

But Cas couldn't stop crying. He continued to sob violently, his chest heaving against Dean's. Several minutes passed before Dean had to pull away and take Cas's face in his hands, telling him, "Breathe, Cas, you have to breathe. You'll pass out if you don't, understand? C'mon, man, breathe for me…"

Cas's face was red and splotchy and damp with tears and snot, his eyes glassy and wet, his lip trembling as he tried to do as Dean had asked him. Dean pulled him over to the couch and had him sit down. He then pulled him into another embrace and began humming 'Hey Jude' to try and soothe him. Cas clutched at him hard, pulling the fabric of Dean's shirt tight, and sucked in deep breaths. When that song ended and Cas was still shaking and crying, Dean chose another song, Led Zepplin's 'In the Light'. He crooned softly, _"And if you feel that you can't go on/ And your will's sinkin' low/ Just believe and you can't go wrong/ In the light you will find the road/ You will find the road…  
_

_"Oh, did you ever believe that I could leave you, standing out in the cold/ I know how it feels 'cause I have slipped through to the very depths of my soul/ Baby, I just want to show you what a clear view it is from every bend in the road/ Now listen to me/ Oh, whoa-whoa/ as I was and really would be for you, too, honey/ As you would for me, oh, I would share your load/ Let me share your load/ Ooh, let me share, share your load…"_

Cas eventually quieted against him, only sniffling, hands loosely fisted in Dean's shirt. Dean's heart twisted in his chest. He always planned for the worst, but it had never crossed his mind that Cas could ever fall. It hit him like a tidal wave, the realization that Cas was now human. That meant he would get hungry and thirsty and dirty and sick. He could get hurt. Worse, he could get killed. Dean's voice broke on the last line, "_Though the winds of change may blow around you, but that will always be so/When love is pain it can devour you, if you are never alone/ I would share your load/ I would share your load…"_

He moved to look at Cas. Cas just stared back.

"I promise that everything will be okay," Dean repeated, feeling tears on his own face, "I'll take care of you."

"Why?"

"Because…"

Dean paused. Saying _it_ now would make it irrevocable, _real_.

"Why, Dean?"

"Because I love you, you dumb bastard. Why else?"

"Really?"

"Really."

"That's… that's good. Because I love you, too," Cas replied, "Why are you crying?"

"I don't even know anymore… for you, for Sam…"

Cas reached out and put his arms around Dean's neck and whispered, "I'm sorry, Dean."

Dean looped his arms around Cas's waist, burying his nose in the trenchcoat and taking a deep breath. Cas no longer smelled of earth and seawater and ozone. Dean's nose was now filled with the scent of smoke and sweat and dirt and something so incredibly human that his heart twisted again, and he choked down a sob.

The two broken men sat together on the couch, wrapped in each other's warmth and love, each thinking and praying that maybe, just maybe, everything would be alright in the end.

_Just give me a reason  
Just a little bit's enough  
Just a second we're not broken just bent  
And we can learn to love again  
It's in the stars  
It's been written in the scars on our hearts  
That we're not broken just bent  
And we can learn to love again_


End file.
